i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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