I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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