The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
