Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
