Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
