I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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