Can i not drive my cunt home
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
