when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Text me some of your sweat
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
