my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I haven't been this sober since birth.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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