You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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