I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
