it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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