I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
