six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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