i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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