The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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