it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
