some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
