I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
