What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
