Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
