We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
