Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
