# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
