I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
