Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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