you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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