now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
