Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
