i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
