dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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