so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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