y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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