The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
