But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
