It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
