Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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