You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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