You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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