he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
