I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
