I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My vagina is officially offended.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Randomize
