FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
