I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
