At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
