I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
