is your mom at the bar?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
