Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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