So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
