just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
