I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
