no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize