On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
