I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
