I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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