I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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