I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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