Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
