You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He? As in you personified your dick?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
