Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
They have beer where we have blood.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
