My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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