At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
