The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
