And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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